Saturday, November 26, 2005

10 companies I'd like never to exist (but probably will)

In the spirit of Mike Arrington at TechCrunch posting Companies I’d like to Profile (but don’t exist), here's a list of companies I don't ever want to see ever.


An organisation to be created by the US military (hence .mil) to track adulterous infidelities (hence OPP) conducted via email and IM over the Internet, so as to pass on the information to other interested parties in the US government such as the CIA, FBI and IRS. Rumour has it that the technology used to sniff out the lecherous missives will involve a macabre mashup of OPML and the number π.


Branching out from, this flagship Web 2.0 venture will incorporate tagging, folksonomies, RSS, OPML, AJAX, pastel colours and rounded corners into a one-stop-shop for those wishing to ascertain the health or otherwise of any person on the Internet.


Enough already!

4. Open Snark Media

There are already more than enough providers of low-grade Web 2.0 sniper blogs in the form of Go Flock Yourself, and I'm Not Dave, amongst many others. But oh no, in 2006 they all decide to amalgamate Voltron-style to present a united front of petty jealousy and lame gags. Due to their religious intolerance of monetisation, the principals' only communal activities involve ignoring each others' IMs.


An "innovative provider of niche content services to non-alternative communities", according to the PR blurb on its future about page, this site will employ OPML to create the definitive whitelist: a reading list of approved sites for the Internet's burgeoning population of white supremacists and neo-Nazis, containing no content at all about any people other than purebred Aryans.


A Web site to be created to support the industry's annual night of nights, the Weblog Awards, known colloquially as the Bloggies. Award categories will include Most Outstanding Use Of Manual Trackbacks, Most Appearances on Memeorandum, Most Consecutive Blog Entries Without Mentioning GYM, and Best Dave Winer Suck-up.


The ultimate mashup venture. The code on this site will not only mash up the traditional sources (Google Maps,, Technorati), but it will also mash up the mashup sites. In an attempt to always stay one step ahead of the highest step on the ladder, infinimash will crawl the Web incessantly looking for more and more meta-mashup sites to scrape their results. Of course, infinimash itself will never publish an API to its database. Or have any revenue streams.


This robot manufacturing firm will specialise in designing toy robots for young, impressionable children. While it would look and sound like a harmless little playfriend when parents and nannies are around, when the child is alone with the toy, it will turn into a propaganda machine for the Silicon Valley way of looking at the world. Speech snippets will include: "Information wants to be free so warez that content, dude."; "I'm the Flickr of robots. You're the Flickr of suckrs!"; "Memeorandum is changing the Web, man."; "What's wrong with putting Google ads everywhere, anyway?".


This site will ride the mounting craze for attention data by installing an app on your PC to monitor your clickstreams and send all of it back to a central server for monetisation. "Clickscream skims the scum off the top of the pool of Internet data and churns it to produce a rich, creamery butter," according to the forthcoming press release. Details on exactly how much of these monetised monies are returned to the user will be less than clear, nor will any indication be given of any kind of benefit for the user. (Oops, this one may already exist, if you don't count Gator.)

10. A site that competes directly with Tinfinger



Anonymous ryan king said...

too late on the bloggies

9:15 pm, November 30, 2005  
Blogger Paul Montgomery said...

Gah, so I see now. In its fifth year? 2 down, 8 to go.

4:03 am, December 01, 2005  

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